Nightlight

Ghosts are funny things- they only have power if you are scared of them. A ghost came back in my life, aka "the Ex." I don't know if anyone else has some one in their life who can take the breath out of you, but for me my ghost is named Michael. I thought I concurred my fear of ghosts until I read my email earlier in the week when he casually emailed me and told me he was coming into town and wanted to see me - "for drinks or coffee" he said. Why is it that he could sit across from me and chit chat while I would rather do ANYTHING than see him. Oh how time can change a person. When the break up was fresh I would listen to Gwen Stafani's Cool song over and over and wish that we would someday be the type of friends who would throw each other fabulous birthdays -- but that wish proved to stay a fragment of my imagination, and now the thought of seeing him makes me want to take to my bed and pray for the light of day.

You maybe asking yourself what type of relationship it was to have me act in such a way---was it bad? was it abusive? did he cheat on you?

I wish I could say yes, yes, and yes but unfortunately I can not. We had an amazing relationship. I really thought I had found my soul mate. Until one morning when I woke up to his kiss- he wanted to bring me breakfast in bed and I just started to cry. I cried because here was an amazing guy who was going to serve me breakfast in bed when all I wanted to do was be alone. I felt that I was too young to be in such a serious relationship (I was 22 at the time). We talked and he told me "You always seemed to be too good to be true and it turns out you are."

The next couple of months were devoted to moving back to Atlanta and starting to think about what was important to me. With out college, with out my parents and without a boyfriend. When I was away from Michael I was happier, I also began to see how much of my self I compromised to be in a relationship. I held his happiness above my own. I upheld his values while forgetting about mine. I started to change my tastes to suit his. In short my goal list was cut down to one "to be Michael's boyfriend." That is no way to live a life. I promised myself to never be in that type of situation where I comprised my core values and beliefs to be with one person.

I don't know what would happen if I saw Michael again. But I do know what I have done with the ghost of a relationship. I confronted it and set it free--- funny now the idea of seeing Michael is not so scary -- perhaps it would be a closing. For now I don't want to be his friend. For now I don't want to talk to him. That's okay. Cuz when you don't know where your headed you have opened yourself up to a new possibility:O) But I still keep a nightlight on just in case of a haunting.