WHATEVA I DO WHAT I WANT

They say life is what happens to you as you wait for it to begin. I am not sure who they are and I am not sure I am sober enough to get that quote right, but I do know what they mean. I came here to Baltimore to travel, to make new friends, to become a better person, grow - in short I wanted the chance to fight with a stranger and find myself, open my mouth and hear myself. But I can't help but to think...... perhaps I am really running. Running from my past. Running from the bullshit of my Mom. Thinking that a new space will make me become somehow the person who I dream I will be - a person who thinks of others before myself. Who can live up to the high expectations of my spiritual teachers. Yet often I fall flat.

When I get excited about something else i.e. new friends - my spiritual practice (ie sadaha) goes to the waste side. Why do I only turn to the higher purpose of life when I feel down? Truth be told its easy to give into the citta vrtti (mind fluctuations). Easy to be distracted by new and shiny people, places and especially things. Often I feel torn between my path my personal dharma and the craving to be accepted. Truth be told I doubt that I will ever have mastery over the citta vrtti, I only hope that in my practice of yogic pursuits I some how make the world a better place. Sounds cheezy I know. Yet that is my goal. Not so much to be loved as to love, not to be pardoned as to pardon, not to be understood as to understand. Guess in order to achieve my goal this little gay boy should stay away from vodka infused drinks and not give into old patters. Yet every time we fall victim to the thinking mind what a wonderful time to show our selfless pardon, to forgive ourselves and aim for yoga once again. Oh well here we go again OMMMMMMM.....

So you may be wondering whats Baltimore like...???? Well I will reserve judgment until I have been here 6 weeks. I can say I have met some AMAZING PEOPLE (E, ST you know who you BE HOLLA) some dangerous people (I HAVE MY MR.BIG I SHALL CALL HIM DR. BIG although big is not really an accurate description...no i didn't...oh but I did) and I have some very amazing nurses to work side by side with.

OH speaking of which, I AM AN AMAZING NURSE. Long story short. I got floated to new born nurse with all healthy infants, right.......well this baby whom was entrusted with my care was a little funny. He was born with a cleft palate and his color looked a little funny to me. After pointing out the color, and the heart mummer associated with my findings I was quietly dismissed. Well I was kindda pissed cuz I could not get higher level care with out her OK so I started to plan.... I kept the baby in the nursery and sunk a pulse ox on the kid (other nurses can only imagine how hard it is to find a portable pulse ox in a well baby nursery but anywho...) waited for the CNNP (certified neonatal nurse practitioner) to go on her lunch break, then I called the neonatal fellow (who I be tight wit) and asked him to do a "social assessment" for "educational purposes" on the baby. Long story short the baby was wheeled to the NICU with in 2 min. With in 30 min the baby was getting an ECHO. Turns out the baby had a prolapsed bicuspid valve with a significant PDA. I kindda wished that I would have been more forceful with the CNNP but I felt that my hands were tied after she brushed me off and the charge nurse was busy on her smoke break. Oh well.....actually my fellow RN's told me to just mind my own business, I thought to myself....HELLO this infants health is my business. Oh well.........

This week I promised myself a pilgrimage to NYC. Will report with more stories.

PS - Madonna please stop prank calling me, your British accent does not fool me:O)