WHATEVA I DO WHAT I WANT

They say life is what happens to you as you wait for it to begin. I am not sure who they are and I am not sure I am sober enough to get that quote right, but I do know what they mean. I came here to Baltimore to travel, to make new friends, to become a better person, grow - in short I wanted the chance to fight with a stranger and find myself, open my mouth and hear myself. But I can't help but to think...... perhaps I am really running. Running from my past. Running from the bullshit of my Mom. Thinking that a new space will make me become somehow the person who I dream I will be - a person who thinks of others before myself. Who can live up to the high expectations of my spiritual teachers. Yet often I fall flat.

When I get excited about something else i.e. new friends - my spiritual practice (ie sadaha) goes to the waste side. Why do I only turn to the higher purpose of life when I feel down? Truth be told its easy to give into the citta vrtti (mind fluctuations). Easy to be distracted by new and shiny people, places and especially things. Often I feel torn between my path my personal dharma and the craving to be accepted. Truth be told I doubt that I will ever have mastery over the citta vrtti, I only hope that in my practice of yogic pursuits I some how make the world a better place. Sounds cheezy I know. Yet that is my goal. Not so much to be loved as to love, not to be pardoned as to pardon, not to be understood as to understand. Guess in order to achieve my goal this little gay boy should stay away from vodka infused drinks and not give into old patters. Yet every time we fall victim to the thinking mind what a wonderful time to show our selfless pardon, to forgive ourselves and aim for yoga once again. Oh well here we go again OMMMMMMM.....

So you may be wondering whats Baltimore like...???? Well I will reserve judgment until I have been here 6 weeks. I can say I have met some AMAZING PEOPLE (E, ST you know who you BE HOLLA) some dangerous people (I HAVE MY MR.BIG I SHALL CALL HIM DR. BIG although big is not really an accurate description...no i didn't...oh but I did) and I have some very amazing nurses to work side by side with.

OH speaking of which, I AM AN AMAZING NURSE. Long story short. I got floated to new born nurse with all healthy infants, right.......well this baby whom was entrusted with my care was a little funny. He was born with a cleft palate and his color looked a little funny to me. After pointing out the color, and the heart mummer associated with my findings I was quietly dismissed. Well I was kindda pissed cuz I could not get higher level care with out her OK so I started to plan.... I kept the baby in the nursery and sunk a pulse ox on the kid (other nurses can only imagine how hard it is to find a portable pulse ox in a well baby nursery but anywho...) waited for the CNNP (certified neonatal nurse practitioner) to go on her lunch break, then I called the neonatal fellow (who I be tight wit) and asked him to do a "social assessment" for "educational purposes" on the baby. Long story short the baby was wheeled to the NICU with in 2 min. With in 30 min the baby was getting an ECHO. Turns out the baby had a prolapsed bicuspid valve with a significant PDA. I kindda wished that I would have been more forceful with the CNNP but I felt that my hands were tied after she brushed me off and the charge nurse was busy on her smoke break. Oh well.....actually my fellow RN's told me to just mind my own business, I thought to myself....HELLO this infants health is my business. Oh well.........

This week I promised myself a pilgrimage to NYC. Will report with more stories.

PS - Madonna please stop prank calling me, your British accent does not fool me:O)

Young and Restless

Young and Restless

Strange asana practice today. Got up, lit some incense, meditated, did pranayama, and chanted....ya know the usual...then I got super nervous. Why? I don't know? I was shaking in all my poses. I wanted to stop but kept going with it. One breath at a time....I am very glad its over. Still a bit on edge. (Other yogi's please respond non yogi's stop rolling your eyes)

Anywho last night my mom and I had a real grown up conversation. It centered around me being too sensitive. I wonder where I got that quality cuz niehter of my parents are overly sensitive...I wish I could take a pill or something to get rid of it. I guess the first step is realizing knowing that I have this little problem and not responding right away but taking a step back to analyze the situation.....I know I'll call my friend Ms. Cleo for advice she always is willing to listen...but only when I have a valid credit card...wonder why?

So wanna know something funny...I am very restless, I fell like I am at a hold with my life...I wanna do this, wanna do that, but I am in this space between something happening and nothing happening and its killing me. I wanna achieve my goals but i guess I just gotta wait. Wait for the Jiva TT to start, wait to start grad school, wait to start traveling. Guess I should just enjoy my last says in ATL. Lately my idea of what I wanna do in grad school has changed sooo much. I do like NICU, and think I would be an awsome NICU NP but lately I have realized just how much I HATE working in hospitals. I love taking care of babies, helping parents bond with there tiny kin members but I ABSOLUTELY HATE HOSPITAL SHIT. Maybe being a traveler will be better cuz I wont have to get involved in anything, all they will expect me to do is take care of my babies and cash my pay in. Oh well....There is only so much you can learn in one place.

The idea of being a Psych NP is very appealing to me. I remember in school my Psych teachers told me how much of a natural I was at it and wanted to help me nurture that talent. Maybe I should take them up on that...I love the crazies :O) Anywho I am going to go work out...maybe that will help me calm down.

PS Jessica your new song sucks and I cant get it out of my head...youll make a million dollars off that catchy peice of shit song...and I am back to my loving spot of kindness