Between a rock and a base

Its gonna happen, I am leaving. Packing up my life and rolling the dice to see what happens next. I am I excited? Yes. I am I a little scared? Yes. Can I succeed at another hospital? I don't know.

Last night was a first for me. Two members from my respected tribes met. Mike, the highly intelligent and fiercely insightful members of my gay boi atlanta clan and Heather - the highly insightful and fiercely intelligent member from my college clan. Together we made an amazing threesome of wit sharing our views on politics, pop culture and restlessness attitudes for work. Then a memory from the past tapped me on my shoulder. It was "J.R." the object of my affection who never returned my craving to swap spit. (ewww) We had brief conversation before he introduced me to his new boyfriend and invited me to a party. I always wondered what type of guy would be lucky enough to share a meal with J.R. so you can imagine how my curiosity was quenched when I finally met the guy. (He was very nice.) When JR left arm in arm with his new BFF. A small smile danced across my face as i realized i how happy I was for him, he apparently has found what he wanted ---a healthy stable relationship.

I think a few times during the dinner he glanced at my table which was flowing in vodka infusions and banter. Occasionally I glanced his way and I saw a calmer scene playing out consisting of two people illuminated by candle light quietly talking. It dawned on me that in the end both JR and I got what we wished for -- consistency and change.
JR left arm in arm with his rock, I left too drunk to drive slouching in the back seat of my own car,,,with my base.( and to my next adventure but maybe after some sleep)

A poem ---laugh if you will or LOL if you must

glipmses of samadhi
by me:O)

I live in the World
seeking the Heavens for Truth
now i know my Path.

Sitting on my mat
i wait for what is Promised
a drop hits me - found.

Gathering courage
Age finally on my side
ready to jump now


its funny that in my state of samadhi Madonna still finds me :P)

Vegan Shmegan

Never mind -----

Have you ever met a soul mate? Not someone who you looks good to you after too many Jello shots - or that person you date seriously but ends in heart break. A friend who walks on your path. I have a soul mate. Its a girl. Her name is Julia. We can float apart for months at time and only talk a few times in a year yet we are on the same path. We are reading the same book, watching the same documentaries and practicing our new outlooks on life. For better our worst I think I will always be connect to her. We might not always be in contact but I know we will always be tight. Some of my readers (Madonna and Cortney Love) might wonder if this is the same girl who I wrote about in previous blog entries....and yes it is. She broke her cell phone...that is why no contact had been made -- I think she had to find the original Elliot to contact me....or was that E.T.? I always get my life and Steven Spielberg's movies mixed up.....anyway as I was saying... being a repressed black woman in the south during the turn of the century...DAMM that's the COLOR PURPLE!

Julia and I are friends again.....please stop sending her hate emails. Who ever sent the mail bomb is just plain mean. I am not going to lie the anthrax was funny but the rash it gave her was gross...I have never seen something puss that much. Oh its funny thing when ever we come together, we are doing the same thing, having the same idea's. New idea of the month is vegan....YEA!!! Animal liberation. I always thought that animal rights were important ...... lets face it all beings everywhere wish to be happy, however when you make a stand and say you will consciously attempt to limit the suffering in the world you are met with opposition. Suddenly people start to be the vegan police on ya....pointing out every meal that you ate with meat, or ever glass of milk you drink, the shoes that you wear.

I am by no means perfect. I struggle with being a new vegan all the time, non violence is a difficult choice -- and one choice which I hope to perfect. Like any yoga asana you never really prefet being non violent but you go deeper in conscious choice and action its in the "going deeper" that different views and richer depths are reviled.

If you are reading this and think am a nut..... then please cheek out some books on vegan ethics and thought. Diet for a New America by John Robbins (yes he is heir to the Baskins Robbins dynasty yet turned his back on it when his eyes were opened).

One idea that always kept me from being vegan was the idea of what others would think of me. I thought that being a vegan would set me apart from others. That I would be left to walk solo on the highway of life (80's rock is a great way to sound deep). I am not trying to stand on a soap box, more so I am attempting to figure out where I am/ who I am and how I can make this world a better place. That is were my main motivation steams from.

Hope this makes a little sense....

In peace and respect
Chris :O)

is it happy hour yet? yea for drinking and watching Dr. Phil. I am as smart and insightful as he is.....and after a few cocktails as confrontational too!!!

Any who gotta go take the long way around:O)

RN mistakes

RN mistakes

Have you ever made a mistake? What happens when you make a mistake at work. Do you get chewed out by your boss? If that is all that happens to you, consider yourself lucky. Has your mistake ever hurt someone? What if your mistake you made occurred to someone whose life was entrusted in your hands. Their direct care was your responsibility. As a bedside nurse a mistake is a hefty word. During lunch breaks people will trade off mistakes or near misses as war stories. They always seem to happen to other people never to you.

The night was like any night in the NICU; ventilators hummed and alarms beeped, nurses stood next to there babies bed providing care. Working in the NICU I feel a that I have an extra responsibility, I know that the parents are incapable of caring for their children. In a way I become both a health care provider and a parent. I am very confident in my skills, my ability to heal-- and just when you think that you have your nursing practice down it happens....for a moment your heart stops as you realize you made a mistake.

I was caring for my babies the way I usually do -- NICU nursing care ranges from completing in depth physical assessments, monitoring vital signs, and obsessing over the quest for a neat bed. When I got to my second baby my assessment was anything but ordinary- the stomach was distended, visible bowel loops were present patches of discoloration covering the abdomen. Neonatologists were called and x rays were preformed. I put down two oral gastric tubes (one for feeds and one for ventilation) and prayed that I my patient only had gas, or an enlarged liver, yet I prepared for the worst -- Necrotizing Enterocolitis or NEC in laymen terms (I use the term NEC cuz iz cants pronounce the fancy medical slang).

Well I over reacted..... after I got over my Julia Margulis moment with out George Clooney I restarted the continuous feeds and gave my GI meds. Turns out that kid just had major GI reflux and an enlarged liver (yea for me and my assessment skills). Anywho the rest of the night was very unremarkable. When the AM shift came I told her my dramatic story of a NEC scare yet she casually asked "where is the TP tube?" I freaked I forgot that the patient had a TP tube. As it turns out the baby had pulled out the TP tube during shift change and in the excitement of the moment I forgot and placed an OG tube. In retrospect it really was not a big deal at all. But I still felt bad that I made an mistake. hmmmm even after writing that it is very anti climatic......big deal...BUT I STILL FELT BAD I NEVER MAKE MISTAKES they always happen to other people. When I got hoome I could not sleep very well and thought about resigning my nursing license. I hated the fact that I had to go back to work that night and hoped that I could get different patients...but I had to face that same baby again. Usually I am happy and up beat when I am at work. That night I felt that I did not deserve to be among my peers in fear that I would make another mistake but this time it would be harmful....... I wanted someone to stroke my ego and tell me how good of a nurse I was...to kiss my mistake and make it all better.

At 2 am the babies father called me -- (Not the one who I made the mistake on --- my other patient, the one who is really sick - she cant breath, there are holes in her heart, her stomach is unable to digest food.....I am proud to say i did NOT make any mistakes on that baby) -- He was crying and said he missed his little girl. I sat on the phone and talked to him for thirty minuets calming him down and soothing his fears. Told him how his baby girl will be home soon and how she is a fighter. When I was done with the phone call his voice sounded hopeful, and he was laughing at my jokes. He told me to kiss his little girl good night and told me he was going to bed -- he said he was able to sleep well because he knew that I was going to take good care of his daughter.

That's when it hit me. As nurses we make mistakes it's a given, but you have to learn from your errors and put them behind you -- have the courage to show up again with just a little bit more experience knowing that now you too have a battle scar. Yet in the end its not about how many stories you have to swap in the nurses lounge of "near misses" and and "almost" but its about how deeply you can show compassion to those who really need it.

Nightlight

Ghosts are funny things- they only have power if you are scared of them. A ghost came back in my life, aka "the Ex." I don't know if anyone else has some one in their life who can take the breath out of you, but for me my ghost is named Michael. I thought I concurred my fear of ghosts until I read my email earlier in the week when he casually emailed me and told me he was coming into town and wanted to see me - "for drinks or coffee" he said. Why is it that he could sit across from me and chit chat while I would rather do ANYTHING than see him. Oh how time can change a person. When the break up was fresh I would listen to Gwen Stafani's Cool song over and over and wish that we would someday be the type of friends who would throw each other fabulous birthdays -- but that wish proved to stay a fragment of my imagination, and now the thought of seeing him makes me want to take to my bed and pray for the light of day.

You maybe asking yourself what type of relationship it was to have me act in such a way---was it bad? was it abusive? did he cheat on you?

I wish I could say yes, yes, and yes but unfortunately I can not. We had an amazing relationship. I really thought I had found my soul mate. Until one morning when I woke up to his kiss- he wanted to bring me breakfast in bed and I just started to cry. I cried because here was an amazing guy who was going to serve me breakfast in bed when all I wanted to do was be alone. I felt that I was too young to be in such a serious relationship (I was 22 at the time). We talked and he told me "You always seemed to be too good to be true and it turns out you are."

The next couple of months were devoted to moving back to Atlanta and starting to think about what was important to me. With out college, with out my parents and without a boyfriend. When I was away from Michael I was happier, I also began to see how much of my self I compromised to be in a relationship. I held his happiness above my own. I upheld his values while forgetting about mine. I started to change my tastes to suit his. In short my goal list was cut down to one "to be Michael's boyfriend." That is no way to live a life. I promised myself to never be in that type of situation where I comprised my core values and beliefs to be with one person.

I don't know what would happen if I saw Michael again. But I do know what I have done with the ghost of a relationship. I confronted it and set it free--- funny now the idea of seeing Michael is not so scary -- perhaps it would be a closing. For now I don't want to be his friend. For now I don't want to talk to him. That's okay. Cuz when you don't know where your headed you have opened yourself up to a new possibility:O) But I still keep a nightlight on just in case of a haunting.

ahhhhhh

AHHHHH

Ghost's...just cuz you dont see them does not mean they wont reapear in your life and scare the shit out of you. That's what happened today when I read my email when I got home.....ahhhh too nervous to type will continue later

Its over I am leaving Good bye

YEA A NEW DAY.........(hey that rhymed, Vanilla Ice you better watch your back AM the new white rapper on the rise whatch gots to say bout tat?)

Back to reality.

Do you ever catch yourself watching some stupid show on VH1 and wonder who are the people who sit at home at watch say.....the Fabulous lives of Hollywood's kept men and then it dawns on you....You, YES YOU are the target demographic of people who they want to hook into there show and you are now helpless to view the whole hour of mind numbing television....damm those marketing researchers for knowing what I want to see on the telly. I did see a very cool show on gnosticism on the history channel about Mary Magdalene, cool stuff....basically it says that she was the holy grail because she was carrying Christ's child.

Have you ever had to break up a friendship? This girl who has been my best friend since high school ...lets call her Julia cuz thats her name...always stands me up. I know I know how can she be your best friend if you stands you up but she always has a good excuse and then I feel like an ass for being mad at her. Take the other day- I called her to invite her to my house for vegan burritos and a movie and she told me she would be there, so I went out shopping and even bought some wine.......and then when it came she never even called :O( no message no nothing:O( It really hurt me. But I always feel the need to forgive her and think its my problem and I am being to needy of a friend. The funny thing is I know I would never ever allow that kind of behavior from a guy so why does she have this power over me? Maybe cuz she has the label of best friend so I forgive....but I am really pissed I think I am going to tell her that our friendship is over...but how do you tell your best friend that they should go to hell and loose your phone number? Hmmmm she still has not returned any of my phone calls....and when I do get her on the phone I know what she will say..."Iam sorry I was busy." Dr. Phill says we tell people how to treat us, I guess I have told her that it is okkay for her not to call me....grrrr Iam pissed...I am going to call her now....the phone is ringing......brb... okkay she did not pick up so I left her a message...I wonder when she will call me......grrrr

Liberal is not a bad word

I work with a lot of very conservative people and who think I drink blood on my lunch break....I just try to avoid politics when talking to them, actually I try to avoid them all together so I talk to the babies a lot at work. They never talk back...yet soon I will teach them how to talk then I will make a million dollars as the nurse who can talk to babies. They will call me the baby whisperer. OHH when I do my press junket I am going to wear a cape with the letters BW on the back. AHH my overactive imagination. Anywho i digress

Sit back blogger readers and let me tell you a story from my life.

As I said I work with a lot of conservative people in the NICU and I get along with most of them except one guy (I will change his name to protect him so you all dont go car bombing him out of loyalty too me and my blog.....oh just so you know in my head my blog is the most popular blog on the Internet. Both Madonna and Cortney Love read it as they drink their morning coffee).

OH there is this one guy named (ummm let me think of a name that means evil in Latin) George ....God what an ass. First off I don't know how you can be uncomfortable around gay men when you work as a nurse in a NICU. Let me just say that all the men I know who work in the NICU are gay.....except for George he claims to be straight. I myself don't believe him. When I first met him my gaydar went off, and I mean off. Maybe I am just slow but when he started talking about his wife I thought "ahhh that's cute they have traditional gender roles in there relationship." Then when he told me about his kids I still thought he was gay - I just thought him and his "wife" had adopted a few gaybies. It was not until he told me he wanted to kill gay people that I realized he was not only straight but dangerous. He said and I quote "Its easier to kill a queer than a heterosexual people with a cross hair and I for one cant wait for hunting season to start." EKKK guess me and Jonney Weir need to be on the look out.

I could care less if you don't like gay people....you don't have to. Luckily my identity and self esteem is not wrapped up in people like Georges option's; but at the same time don't threaten to hurt us...we are a peace loving people like the Smurffs.

So after listening to George wax lyrically about his political views on everything from the war to birth control I just thought I would share an insight with you all...liberal is not a bad word see.......

liberal P Pronunciation Key (lbr-l, lbrl)
adj.
Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.
Of, relating to, or characteristic of liberalism.
Liberal Of, designating, or characteristic of a political party founded on or associated with principles of social and political liberalism, especially in Great Britain, Canada, and the United States.
Tending to give freely; generous: a liberal benefactor.
Generous in amount; ample: a liberal serving of potatoes.
Not strict or literal; loose or approximate: a liberal translation.
Of, relating to, or based on the traditional arts and sciences of a college or university curriculum: a liberal education.
Archaic. Permissible or appropriate for a person of free birth; befitting a lady or gentleman.
Obsolete. Morally unrestrained; licentious.

n.
A person with liberal ideas or opinions.
Liberal A member of a Liberal political party.

[Middle English, generous, from Old French, from Latin lberlis, from lber, free. See leudh- in Indo-European Roots.]
liberally adv.
liberalness n.
Synonyms: liberal, bounteous, bountiful, freehanded, generous, handsome, munificent, openhanded
These adjectives mean willing or marked by a willingness to give unstintingly: a liberal backer of the arts; a bounteous feast; bountiful compliments; a freehanded host; a generous donation; a handsome offer; a munificent gift; fond and openhanded grandparents. See also synonyms at broad-minded
Antonyms: stingy

I am like a bird

Have you ever been dumped? Have you ever dumped someone? Which of the two brought you more moral support from those around you? I am guessing it was when you yourself were the dumpie not the dumper.

What happened to me is a common story; boy and boy meet.....have a great time and then life starts giving you options, different paths to go on-- it just so happened that the path I am choosing now does not allow for boyfriends. As I mentioned on my last post I am a nurse and I have been given the opportunity to start to travel as a RN (I am going to think of it as I am a rock star on tour.....who only eats red M&M's and drinks Evian at 42 degrees Fahrenheit) this is a choice that would make it very difficult to have a boyfriend. Yes it is true that I could have a long distance relationship but I know that I would be unable to be successful at it. I would want a boyfriend to experience my daily life with, not to see on the weekends. Make sense? So thats why me and my guy whom I was dating had to part ways :O( I really do feel bad about it. He is a great guy, yet this is just not the time in my life where I can keep up a serious relationship. I wanted to end it now rather than get attached.

Yet when one is bluntly honest about the circumstances in there lives no one ever congratulates you --- "Hey it must have been hard to pass up a great guy! But you have to be true to your path." People don't say that....no, no people will say "Oh you guys broke up ahhh what happened? hmmmm It sounds like your just looking for an excuse not to commit." or better yet "Do you have a problem letting someone in?"

Now on top of the fact that your single again you have to start to question all your interpersonal relationships wondering if indeed you do have problems "letting someone in"

I do know this...when you are dumped people say to you "Your better off alone than with that ass" or "Hell be back" the dumpie never gets questioned about their interpersonal behavior-- no one ever says "You got dumped? Are you a nag or are you too clingy" No when you are the dumpie you only receive sympathy and free drinks from your friends.

Maybe thats because we all know whats it like to get dumped....we all know whats it like to be rejected. And I hope if you do get dumped by someone being "true to their path" you have friends who buy you drinks and tell you how you were the pretty one in the relationship. And yes by the way you can do better ;O)